Writing stuff... Or not...

So, I'm actually attempting to write something. Maybe a book if the stars all line up and the heavens open to the sound of trumpets. The problem I'm having is I'm not so hot at writing more than maybe five pages. I'm used to school stuff, which I'm great at and have never made a bad grade on. Books are a little longer than five pages. I've actually pounded out perhaps 30 or so, but it's in rare spurts of inspiration that only last around three pages. I have managed five on a very good day. I'm also scared crapless that I will actually manage to finish it, read over it, and hate it. Already I'm worried that I've had too many blabbering pages where the main character just complains about her life.
Maybe I'll finish it, maybe not. However, while I'm actually trying to do this I won't be on here much. So, I'm sorry to anyone who actually reads my stuff. Feel free to comment and stuff if you'd like. I could always use an ego boost.

Guess Who's Back

Back again, Shady's back, Tell a friend... Haha memories.

At any rate, I realize that I have not been on here in forever, and to the people who have actually wanted to read my stuff (if any there are), I'm sorry. I'm going to try to keep up with it more this time.

Yesterday my mom and I saw four deer. There was a mother and three babies. What did I do yesterday, you ask? Did I perhaps go on a nature hike? No, sir I did not. Perhaps I went to the park? Wrong again. Well, where could I have been to see these majestic creatures other than in the great outdoors? Try, a foot from a trailer park near where I live. They were crossing from one tiny section of woods to another, directly in front of the trailers. It was pretty depresing to think that this mother was trying to keep her children safe and the best she could manage was living in front of a trailer park in the most redneck-infested area imaginable.
It makes me so angry whenever hunters argue that deer are over-populated. We are the ones that are over-populated. We force them out into the open, onto busy streets, into front lawns, and then we use this excuse to kill them. Now, my paw-paw hunts, but at the very least he uses all the meat from anything he manages to kill. (Which is not much, to be completely honest.) I could never do it, but if someone is going to they should at least put the animal to use. This does not include rare fur coats or those creepy rugs with the heads still attached -- I mean real use.
I hope those deer find some place safer to go, but I have a feeling that we will pass at least one of them by that roadside again in a different way.

Reagan

He was like the snow
Pure
The white fades
Spots of grey underneath show
Don't mind the grey
Beautiful
In the simplicity
Was always just there
Miss him still
Innocent
Never understands
Trampled on by people who love
They've already forgotten
Fleeting
Was always there
Now gone crushed by car tires
Shoveled into the ditch
Remembered
Falling down, down and
Happy
Used to make me smile
Gone

moments

If you can get through
Then there are moments
When people you think
Are so above you become
Your best friends. moments
When you're at your worst
And they love you. moments
When you're at your best
And they are proud. moments
When people amaze you. moments
When you amaze yourself. moments
When pictures don't do justice. moments
When memories bring smiles. moments
When getting through is worth the moments.

The End of Eternity

"The sky glows, I see it shining with my eyes closed, I hear your warnings, but we both know, I'm gonna look at it again..."

Did you ever stare at the sun? It hurts at first, so bright. Then after a little while there's that black spot that shows up if you look exactly, directly at the sun, you can only see blackness.
I don't suggest trying it. My eyesight is horrible and I'm sure little experiments like these didn't help much.
The round-about point I'm trying to make is this kind of reminds me of life. When you're a kid it's like the amazing parts of life will never end.
I remember I loved catching fireflies and mom and I would do that almost every summer night. Sometimes there were no fireflies so mom would run around, pretending to be a firefly, until I tackled her. It's corny, I know, but it was so goofy and fun.
I also remember 'The Monster At The End Of This Book.' The one redeeming memory that I have for my dad. He read me that book over and over in an annoying Grover voice that I loved. Over and over and over and over... The monster was always Grover and he's not scary. That was the point, I guess. Kind of corny, but once again, it was great when I was a kid.
I took little things like that for granted when I was a kid. I didn't realize that someday they would be just a memory. I guess I could still tackle mom, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be happy about it. And I have no idea where that book is, plus the Grover voice would probably just annoy me now.
It's like when I was little I was looking straight at life, all the beauty. It was almost blinding. Then, slowly, there was a black spot, so I could look at life directly and not see it. Now, once in a while, I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye or I watch a movie (like American Beauty or Rent) that reminds me. But usually all I see is blackness.

Amazing

That's pretty much the closest I can come to a word good enough to describe her. Every time I see her I smile. Sure I smile all day at work or with my friends or maybe even in my sleep. We all smile because of something funny or because we're trying to be polite or whatever. But just looking at her, kissing her chubby little cheek, making her laugh. My God, it's like - no, it IS the most amazing thing ever. My sister is the most amazing thing ever.

Mom says she loves me because she laughs a lot with me. I walk in the room sometimes and she smiles or stares at me. I think it's because I'm goofy looking, but mom insists she loves her sis.

It's insane to think she's only been here for a few months. In so many ways I don't even think anything was real or important until she was here. It's like when I saw her for the first time (still all gooey and reddish), held her, I knew why I had made it this long.

I've thought about suicide before. I think it's only human and I'm far from a happy-go-lucky person. And there were times when I wondered why I didn't do it. Now I know. Maybe some part of me always knew that if I just made it a few more years everything would make sense.

I can't wait until she gets a little older because we can play, I can cuddle her without her drooling on me, she won't pull my hair when I put her on my shoulders. Little things like that I look forward to. I also cannot wait because when she gets older she won't just have some blurry notion that I care about her because I'm there a lot. When she gets a little older I can say, "I love you." And she will know it's true. She will never never be able to fathom how much, but at least she will know.

I've started saying I love you more because as soon as she learns what it means I will be the second person she knows loves her. Mom first. Then sis. And she will know nothing will ever change that. I'll tell her nothing will ever change that. And no matter what I will always be there for her, no questions asked. I know this, mom knows this, my friends know this. I just can't wait until I can tell Madeline. I can't wait to tell her she is my world.

Cheers

Here we lay
broken hearted
Crying out
why'd we ever start this?
Here's to you
The ones who make it
Hold on tight
but just don't fake it
I don't want to say Goodbye
Again for the First time

We toss and turn
unresponsive
Dying out
Is it time to end this?
Here's to us
We'll try to make it
Hold me tight
I try to take it
I don't want to say Goodbye
Again for the First time

So I will lie
Take a breath
and say I'm all right
Smile today
and Cry tonight
I have to say Goodbye
Again for the First time

So cheers to us
We held on tight
but couldn't Fake it
Put up a fight
but couldn't Take it
Goodbye Tonight
for the Last time.