Amazing

That's pretty much the closest I can come to a word good enough to describe her. Every time I see her I smile. Sure I smile all day at work or with my friends or maybe even in my sleep. We all smile because of something funny or because we're trying to be polite or whatever. But just looking at her, kissing her chubby little cheek, making her laugh. My God, it's like - no, it IS the most amazing thing ever. My sister is the most amazing thing ever.

Mom says she loves me because she laughs a lot with me. I walk in the room sometimes and she smiles or stares at me. I think it's because I'm goofy looking, but mom insists she loves her sis.

It's insane to think she's only been here for a few months. In so many ways I don't even think anything was real or important until she was here. It's like when I saw her for the first time (still all gooey and reddish), held her, I knew why I had made it this long.

I've thought about suicide before. I think it's only human and I'm far from a happy-go-lucky person. And there were times when I wondered why I didn't do it. Now I know. Maybe some part of me always knew that if I just made it a few more years everything would make sense.

I can't wait until she gets a little older because we can play, I can cuddle her without her drooling on me, she won't pull my hair when I put her on my shoulders. Little things like that I look forward to. I also cannot wait because when she gets older she won't just have some blurry notion that I care about her because I'm there a lot. When she gets a little older I can say, "I love you." And she will know it's true. She will never never be able to fathom how much, but at least she will know.

I've started saying I love you more because as soon as she learns what it means I will be the second person she knows loves her. Mom first. Then sis. And she will know nothing will ever change that. I'll tell her nothing will ever change that. And no matter what I will always be there for her, no questions asked. I know this, mom knows this, my friends know this. I just can't wait until I can tell Madeline. I can't wait to tell her she is my world.